Navigating Perinatal Grief & Loss

What is perinatal grief and loss?

Perinatal grief and loss involves the loss of a child at any point during the reproductive process or death of an infant within the postpartum period. This includes individuals who may experience fertility challenges, miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal loss, and termination for medical reasons.  The experience of perinatal grief and loss also places both parents at increased risk of depression, anxiety, complicated grief, and trauma related disorders including PTSD. While grief in itself is a universal experience, research has shown that how it manifests can differ across sex, gender, and racial/ethnic backgrounds. 

While perinatal loss is very common in the United States (impacting approximately 1.6 million people every year), perinatal grief and loss is a form of disenfranchised grief or grief that is not acknowledged as “legitimate by society”. The loss is often viewed as too small or the relationship is not  considered “justifiable” to grieve. Disenfranchised grief may also include expectations of  how people are supposed to grieve their loss which can include certain behaviors they  should or should not engage in. 

Oftentimes, parents may not have a support system or may feel that their support system may be dismissive of their recent loss for various reasons including not being sure of how to support you, what to say, or experiencing their own emotions about their own or your experience.

Reactions to Perinatal Grief and Loss

Here are some common feelings individuals experience after pregnancy loss:
1) A sense of heaviness and devastation 
2) Shifting emotions including guilt, shame, anger, sadness 
3) Feeling as though they caused the loss to occur and/or did not do enough to prevent the loss 
4) Feeling like a failure especially if you are the parent
5) Feelings of envy or jealousy towards others who may be pregnant or parents who had successful live births  
6) Feeling “crazy” for wanting to memorialize or hold traditional ceremonial rites after the loss. 
7) Questioning of their belief system and/or existence 

It is critical to receive adequate support during and following a loss to help parents receive closure and help them work through their valid emotions about their lived experience. Research has shown that seeking assistance after a loss is often a protective factor and reduces the likelihood of the onset of depression, anxiety, or PTSD. 

How to Move Forward & Cope with Your Loss

The overall goal following perinatal loss and grief is working towards integrated grief, the ability to have thoughts and memories of the lost child without feeling overwhelmed while also continuing to move forward with life. Integrated grief never minimizes the loss, but rather helps you integrate it within your life while having a renewed sense of purpose. It is very common that parents from specific cultural or spiritual backgrounds may follow their own traditions after the loss, which may not be common in mainstream society. 

Here are some common coping strategies you can try to work toward integrated grief over time.  

1) Acknowledge and memorialize your loss. Depending on the type of loss, some  individuals keep an item that would help you memorialize the loss including (but not limited to): a weighted bear with the baby’s name, a memorial necklace, clothing items that the baby wore or you were planning to dress the baby in, a footprint, a picture or ultrasound photograph. Some may choose to  create foundations, memorial funds, memory walls or gardens to remember their loss.  

2) Mark the anniversary of the loss and birthday. Although they may no longer physically be with you, they are with you in spirit. It’s completely normal to think  about and remember their birthday as well as the day they passed. It is even normal  for individuals to have small gatherings to remember the baby lost. Some  individuals may also adopt a cause or send a gift in their baby’s name to newborns  on important dates.  

3) Engage in creative and holistic forms of healing. Many people find healing, meaning, and purpose by utilizing creative healing practices through writing, song creation, storytelling, dance, art, and integrative healing practices.

4) Mentioning your child to others. Moving forward, many families choose to include  their loss when talking about their families. This can be approached in various ways. Here are two examples:

“I have (insert number of children) physically present with me and (insert  number of children) who (are no longer with me/ have passed/are resting/in  heaven or afterlife/my angels)” or
“I have (state children’s names) who are living and (state the child’s name)  who (are no longer with me/ have passed/are resting/in heaven or  afterlife/my angels)” 

Need Help?

Many resources exist to assist you during this difficult time. If you have recently been impacted by a perinatal loss of any type and would like personalized, professional support during this difficult time, contact our office to schedule a complimentary, 15-minute consultation with us.